The Klammies Go Uptown

"I'm sorry, Ricky Martin is not here tonight," announced Comedy Central and Mad TV funnyman Pablo Francisco, saddled with the task of warming up the crowd by giving it some yuks during the preshow, now a requisite part of any awards program and a trend that has spread even to the Kansas City/Lawrence Area Music Awards, a.k.a. Klammies. "Neither are the Backstreet Boys."

Not surprisingly, nobody seemed to mind their absence -- not because Kansas City and Lawrence area residents wouldn't be proud to have those fine people hail from these parts, but because tonight was about giving it up for musicians of the local variety.

Year four transplanted the Klammies from its former home at the Folly Theater to the newly renovated and reopened Uptown Theater -- and brought a change in hosts too. Gone not only from the Klammies but from Kansas City as well, was WDAF Channel 4 news anchor Harris Faulkner, though her former co-host, 98.9 The Rock morning personality Johnny Dare, was still on hand to present the banner awards. Ably taking over duties for the pair was the ever-grinning Bryan Busby, senior meteorologist for KMBC Channel 9 news, with musical host Malachy Papers sticking around for occasion number two on the job.

Before introducing the night's first presenters, Busby gave a brief history lesson concerning the Uptown. "I was talking to some of the crew backstage about some of the people that had performed here: George Benson, The Little River Band, Little Feat, Metallica, even Pee-Wee Herman," he said. "So watch out for the floor in front of you."

There was something else to watch when Missy Koonce and Ron Megee sauntered on stage to present the first awards. At the VIP party earlier, Megee's impossibly short beaded dress had caused many an eye to drop down south and gawk at the hemline before reaching the awkward revelation that this was, in fact, a man. Upon reaching the podium, he looked down at his tuxedoed cohort and declared, "I love a man with a big gun."

"Good evening. I'm Bond, James Bond," said Koonce, throwing herself into the part. "And I'm Pussy Galore," cooed Megee, further confusing people in the balcony who may have just been figuring this all out. The duo handed out honors for Best Live Venue (Under 1,000 Seats) and Best Live Venue (Over 1,000 Seats), which went to The Bottleneck and the Uptown Theater, respectively. There wasn't a Klammy for Best Dressed, but if there had, Megee certainly would have been a contender. "We like to be the gender-bending people of the awards show," he said backstage. "Some of it is from Bunny's and Gigi's, and it's a conglomeration of all the stores in town that sell trashy-wear." Trashy in a different sense of the word was blues-injected punk act Parlay, featuring Musician of the Year nominee Ernie Locke, the first musical performers, who oddly, yet aptly, followed Koonce and Megee.

Despite the fact that Francisco was handing out awards for Best Folk Act (Coyote Project), Best Christian/Gospel Act (Waterdeep), and Best Country/Bluegrass Band (Split Lip Rayfield), the comic lapsed into his earlier routine about how loverman R&B singers always drop the words "fine," "smooth," "soft," and "silky" into the songs.

At least the first of those two adjectives could be used to describe Sonny Kenner's subsequent performance, though the words hardly do the man justice. Taking the stage with only his electric guitar, he led the audience in a sing-along of "Minnie the Moocher," and after seeing that, it was no shocker when he got the Klammy for Best R&B/Blues Band later in the evening. It was a little surprising, though, that he had since left. In the grand tradition of working men, he had another gig to get to before his category came around, so his daughter Romain picked up the award for him.

"How can you tell when the stage is even?" riddled Recycled Sounds owner Anne Winter, stumping her presenting partner, Stan Henry of The Hurricane, but displaying why she wasn't hired for Francisco's job. "The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth." Winter then had the privilege of giving Sister Mary Rotten Crotch the Klammy for Best Punk/Ska Band. Avoiding the pitfall of pulling a Hilary Swank by actually remembering to mention her husband Timothy's band, head Sister Liz Nord said, "I'd like to thank St. Teresa's Academy and the Main Street Saints." Waiting a second after the striking ladies disappeared backstage, Henry suggested, "Just think what your mother would say if you brought those three women home."